Did you hear? Oh....my....GAWD I can't believe you didn't hear?! It's the news of the decade! TOTALLY OUT OT THE BLUE! Seriously, this is just unbelievable!
John and Kate are getting a divorce.
Yes, it's true, your favorite B-list reality TV stars are getting a divorce, leaving their eight children with a fractured family structure, thus heaving them head first into semi-normal American life. Is John really moving to New York!? Will Kate shack up with her bodyguard?! What channel is this show on again?!
Wait, that wasn't the big news story you were talking about? Oh, then it must have been Ed McMahon dying. 86 years young, the eternal sidekick of one of the greatest entertainers in the last century, Johnny Carson. Who will ever forget his introduction, "HEEEEEEEEERES JOHNNY!", or his love of giant checks. Or what about....
Nope, not that news item either, huh? How about Farrah Fawcett. What a trooper. A sad way to go too, millions had her poster on their wall growing up; she fought gallantly. An inspiration to cancer fighters everywhere. She was a little before my time, but I still respected her.
OH BALLS, you're talking about MICHAEL JACKSON aren't you!! HOW DID I MISS THAT?! Was it a natural death? Was it (gasp!) murder by his live in doctor? Will we ever know what the hell was keeping him alive, or even in one piece all this time? What an entertainer! What a showman! His talent was immense, his passion for moon walking was unmatchable, his zest for little boys, I mean the arts, was undeniable. Will he be laid to rest next to Mr. Bubbles or Walt Disney. Ok, I kid. But seriously, This might just be the biggest news story of the decade, since Princess Diana died! The news coverage, the questions, the inevitable cover up surrounding the possible causes of death. Lets keep talking about this and bleed this subject dry for the next few weeks until the autopsy reports come out. Lets wax poetic about the impact he made on society, all the good he did for pop music, and reminisce how you danced in your room to Billy Jean and imagined your floor lit up just so, and not about that nose, those accusations, that creepy ranch with giraffes and Peter Pan statues everywhere. And Blanket.
Yes, that must be what you all are a buzz about. Nothing else is dominating the headlines on ANY NEWS CHANNEL all over the world. Nothing more important could possibly be going on right now. Right?
By the way, why is there all this fuss over wearing green and voting lately. Are we electing a new St. Patricks Day head leprechaun? What's up with that. It sounds strangely familiar....kind of important or something.
Oh, and is Kim Jong-il that really good rice and chicken dish they have at Vietnamese places? It must be a part of a popular diet fad the celeb's are on now, I see that name sometimes buried below all this Michael Jackson craziness on the news. Maybe MJ died from that diet. Ya, that must be it.....
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