eHarmony of the soul

As I was sitting in my evidence class yesterday Erika and I got to talking, at which point she passed along this interesting story http://mosnews.com/weird/2009/06/17/virginity/. After picking my jaw up from the floor, and thanking evolution for finding a way even in the most trying of circumstances, I got to thinking about things we lose in our lives. Innocence, family members, my goddamned camera. Many of these things are relatively easy. Others, such as innocence of youth, are not, and are often lamented over (though lamenting is for those with a conscious, so I am excluded). However, it has recently come to my attention that the one thing that I am glad that can never be attained again, despite that crazy Russian bitches many, many efforts, is virginity. Let's be clear: THIS IS A GOOD THING. My Lord people, for most of us virginity marks a time in life where we lived with our parents, had limited resources of our own, and were restricted from a plethora of activities, whether by show of authority, or soul crushing drinking age limits. Furthermore, the way far too many people of this world view virginity is that it is a right of passage marking one's maturation as blah blah blah blah blah. I'll tell you now that at 26 I still don't possess the maturity needed to lose my virginity, however, I have compensated by this for the loss of yet another "essential" trait.

Before I get to exactly what that trait is, the realization of how I have compensated lead me to examine some of the greatest pairs the world has ever devised. Romeo and Juliet, the always delicious peanut butter and jelly, Israelis and Palestinians (source: wikipedia), and who could forgot Sonny Bono and that tree? In pondering such things, I realized that virginity and the following trait were a match made in heaven that, so help me God if either of them were to ever try to come back to me would not only be unwelcome, but would receive a severe bitch slap. So what is this other thing of which I speak? Dignity. The point at which I lost it is not entirely clear, but I think it was somewhere around junior year of college. Further, I have since been better off without it. College, Vegas, santa crawl, B2B, and grad school would not be the same sort of events they are if I had something telling me "this is a bad decision", "this is dangerous", "she's passed out, you really shouldn't." And if any of those events had been any less crazy or depraved, that would be regrettable. However, drinking bagged wine at 7 am, shooting a full automatic weapon while fully loaded (double entendre, HIYO!), keg stand after keg stand, and lap dances from strippers in full arm casts (no joke here; it was awesome) serve me a greater purpose than being able to claim I did the right thing. I mean, how boring would a story be if it ended with "but I didn't do it the potentially awesome thing, cause I wasn't sure how'd I feel about myself after?" 

Do I like my life as is? Absolutely. Am I a morally bankrupt person? Kind of depends on your point of view. Do I want to change? Not currently. Have I taken a liking to asking questions of myself, and then answering them a pretentious asshat? Quite clearly. In summation, I just hope that my virginity and dignity are on a wide open farm somewhere (except Iowa, I wouldn't wish that one anyone or anything) running hand in hand. Maybe at some point they can do a match.com commercial. You can have them, cause Lord knows I neither want or need them.